Sunday, April 13, 2014

Infestation!

I recently returned from a trip to visit family on the West Coast.  I flew into San Francisco where my brother Chuck, and my sister, Carol, picked me up.  I arrived about 10 P.M. so it was dark and traffic was light on the drive to my brother's house in Novato in Marin County.  In the next several days, we went to Point Reyes National Park and did a lot of driving around Marin County, which has a varied and beautiful landscape, from ocean beach, to mountains, to rural farms and cattle ranches.  My brother had shoulder surgery shortly before my arrival, and he concluded a round of treatment for another medical condition while I was there.  He did so well, his doctor released him to travel, so he went to Savannah, Georgia, to visit a friend.  My sister and I drove to Sacramento to see my nephew, then drove up the coast to her home in Eugene, Oregon, where my younger brother and his family also live.
As we drove around, I noticed an annoying humming, buzzing sound all around me.  After some investigation, I learned that the West Coast, especially, California, is experiencing an aggressive species invasion of an insect known as the Toyota.  There are millions of them flitting around the landscape.  The invasion centers on freeways.  The insects congregate in shopping mall parking lots, and places called "dealerships".  The insects also demonstrate much higher intellect than the normal insect in that they are highly organized and have managed to masquerade as automobiles.  Even my brilliant sister and her husband were fooled enough to purchase one of the larger subspecies several years ago, a Highlander.  It has gotten to the point where not only can you hardly buy a real car like a Ford, you cannot even rent one.  We found this out when we tried to rent a car to drive north, and the only thing we could get was, you guessed it, a Toyota.  A tiny Toyota Corolla.  It buzzed all the way up the coast.  I expressed my concern for my safety to my sister.  The insect knew I was onto it, and knew that their ultimate plan is to continue building up their numbers until they can turn on us, and decimate us, take over the country.  Carol expressed pessimism and called me paranoid.  I was on my guard, however, and never gave the insect a chance to devour me and expel any waste product left from my body out its tail pipe.
The only actual vehicles that seem to be holding their own against the invasion are SUVs and trucks, as in "big ass American trucks".
On the drive north, my sister pulled out into all the rest stops and scenic view pullouts.  At one place, she wanted to walk the trail.  I decided to walk a little way with her.  No way was I going to remain in the insect in a strange place.  I saw the insect eyeing me for lunch.  I told my sister if I fell on the trail to just wrap me up in her rain poncho ( also known as "the shower curtain" to her fellow volunteers at the Eugene rose gardens ) and go for help.  But I didn't fall, and when I got tired Carol found a place for me to sit.  The only harm was a dirty butt.  
After we got to Eugene, Carol and her husband drove their Fusion hybrid almost exclusively.  They prefer this superior form of transportation, much as it disgusts their Highlander insect.  As I wondered around their yard, near the back of their garage and car port one evening, I heard the insect and the Fusion arguing. The insect laughed maniacally, and tried to insult the Fusion by saying, "You hybrid!  You are nothing but a sub-automotive mongrel!"  The Fusion calmly responded, "Well, as for the hybrid thing, you guys started it with that goofy Prius.  Anywayl, my people prefer me.  And by the way, they are thinking of replacing you with a Ford Escape.  Cynthia has been telling them how much she likes hers."
The very next day, the Fusion was hit by a Nissan at an intersection.  I absolutely know in my heart that the insect hired or formed some kind of alliance with the Nissan community to carry out this hit.  After all, the Nissan is another invasive.  The Fusion had to go into the shop.
The next day, my sister had to drive the insect around.  We stopped at a grocery store to get things for dinner.  We did some walking around that day so I chose to stay in the insect for the brief time while my sister was in the store.  While there, I saw my sister-in-law Linda park.  She saw me sitting in the fake vehicle and approached.  I tried to roll down the window and open the door but they were both locked!  I was trapped!  I panicked, knowing that the insect had me at its mercy.  Then I manually unlocked the door lock, and the alarm went off!  OMG!  If I was going to escape, the insect at least insisted on embarrassing me as much as possible.  Linda texted my sister that I tripped the alarm, and she used her key fob button to turn it off.  Thank goodness, Carol and Henry rented a Chevy to drive me to the airport in Portland for the flight home.
Although I hated leaving my siblings, I felt great relief upon arriving home.  Parking lots full of Fords, Chevys, Chryslers!  Safety!  But we cannot be complacent.  We must prepare for the expanding aggressive invasion of the insect Toyotas, and their allies, the Nissans and Hondas.  I have already secured the services of a mad scientist/weapon manufacturer to alter a grenade launcher to deliver RAID bombs.  Next, I am hoping to find someone to develop a RAID-delivering fully automatic AK-47.  Thank goodness for the Second Amendment!  We shall prevail!